A slow discovery

There has been a lot coming to the surface lately about my mind/heart.  And I'm realizing how ugly it really is. 

Just over 3 years ago (has it really only been that long?) when Mark and I started attending North Hills Community Church, we were hearing all this talk about how each one of us is a severely messed up individual.  That none of us are above the need for God's grace, or that none of us are good enough to measure up to God's standard of righteousness.  And this was coming at me after a lifetime of believing that I had to follow a set of rules or look/act a certain way--THAT determined my righteous standing with God.

Then that world crumbled when I realized that the WHOLE POINT of Christ coming to die for me was to free me from that Pharisaical mentality.  It was a hard transition, but I was eager and willing to learn more.  The problem was that I didn't see how bad I was.  One of the first nights Mark and I attended North Hills, we went over to my brother Andy's house afterwards (who knew, 3 years later, that that would have grown into such a vital community every Sunday night.)  As we sat out on the porch with Andy and Beth, they were revealing themselves to us in the middle of their "crisis," as infidelity had manifested itself in their marriage.  They both hit rock bottom, desperately realizing their need for God's grace.  I looked at Andy and said something to the effect of "That's great and all, but I haven't done anything like that.  I'm a good person."

I'm a good person.  I don't see my need for God's grace. 

As I remember those words now I cringe.  No one is righteous.  My best attempts at righteousness in the past would be like presenting Christ with a gift of bloody tampons.

But still, I knew those things in my head but couldn't (or wouldn't) dig deep enough in my heart to find out how filthy I was.

Through many circumstances and lots of begging God to show me my messed up-ness, He has done just that.  A lot.  In the past month specifically.  I'm learning that sinfulness doesn't just manifest itself in the externals.  Just to give 1 example: I struggle with issues of anxiety.  If Mark is away from home for a weekend and I send him a text at 9 pm and hear nothing back until midnight, those 3 hours are spent drudging up "worst case scenarios" about what has happened to him.  Instead of stopping it when it starts and choosing to think on what I know is true (God controls it all, even if the outcome is sorrowful, so in that promise, I can rejoice), many times I feed those anxious thoughts and end up in almost full-blown, burst into tears hysterics... Over a hypothetical situation!   Yes, it's always a possibility that one of those scenarios could come to pass (let's face it, Mark's civilian and military jobs don't always include him doing the safest things), but my choosing to think on the wrong thing is a sin.  Not resting in God is a sin.  Putting my faith in anything other than Him is a sin.  And I do this.  Every.  Day.

Yesterday my facebook status said "resting in the arms of the one who controls all.  trusting, resting." 

Mark and I have been preparing ourselves for him to be away from home for a decent period of time.  A week from right now he's supposed to be gone.  Friday he got an email that the trip was/is up in the air.  He was supposed to find out Monday whether he was going or not.  All he found out was that he would find out Tuesday (today), so we're preparing ourselves to find out if he's going to find out today or tomorrow or maybe next week when I'm on my way to take him to his flight.

I'm not gonna lie:  one of the things I've hated most about the way things are handled in the military is the "on again off again" scheduling.  It's just the way things are.  I understand that.  But, oh, does it toy with a girl's emotions.  Despite my tendencies toward anxiety, I can handle it if Mark's going to be gone for 2 weeks, 1 month, 6 weeks, 2 months.... Whatever!  But just give me warning so I have time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  But this "you're going".... "oh wait, just kidding"..... "oh did we say you weren't going?  Because you are"......... "but not really" thing really gets under my skin. 

But I'm thankful that this time, I can honestly say that God has given me just the right amount of grace to accept this.  I realize, for the first time, that if Mark has to go, God is in control.  And he is good.  And if Mark gets to stay home, God is in control.  And he is good.

So beautiful and refreshing that God doesn't change when I am characterized by fickleness.  Whether (perceived) good or bad things come,

He.  Is.  Good.

Here's the song I've been claiming for the past couple days.  Every word is my prayer.  May God's name be great.