a glance into one of our struggles

At the beginning of the month, I referenced a tough time we've been going through in this post.  Honestly, I never imagined that I'd be able to post details about it so soon.  But for the time being, that trial is over, so I'd like to fill you in and give praise to God for all of it--the good and bad.

There may be a moment or two as you're reading where you will begin to feel sorry for us, but please realize that's not my goal.  If I were wanting to manipulate you and tug on your heartstrings, I would write books, not an "about my life" blog.

It's hard to say exactly when our financial difficulties started.  Maybe back when we got married.  There has yet to be a time in our 3+ years of marriage that we weren't wondering how we would pay the next bill.  Even through the times that we both had jobs (Mark had 2...technically 3), it just never seemed to be enough, despite our best efforts.

That difficulty hit a new level a month or 2 after Roscoe was born.  Mark was owed the 2nd half of his enlistment bonus, and we received word that the paperwork had been submitted and the bonus was on its way--we should see in within the next week.  So, given that word, we put his 4runner in the shop for some much needed work.  Knowing we'd have the money within the week, we charged it (this was our first credit card purchase.  We hadn't owned one before this because we didn't want to get caught up in debt.  But once we had a baby, we figured it'd be smart to have one for the emergency fallback).

Mark received an email shortly after that telling him that the status of his bonus was on hold because it needed to be reviewed.  If you remember, way back in January when I started this blog, Mark was in PA reclassing for the sake of his unit.  (Here's a post to jog your memory.)  He agreed to do that as long as it didn't mess up his bonus.  Well, sparing a lot of details, it did mess up his bonus.  So much so that in the span of 3 days, we went from expecting the other half of his bonus within a week to not only not receiving it, but also having to pay back the other half he'd received years ago.  They were saying his reclassing was a "breech of contract."  I don't feel it necessary to give the amount on the internet, but let's just say it was enough to make me want to carve out my own cave in the mountains and hide forever.

At the same time, we hit a spell of reduced income that we thought might only last a month or two.  Well, it's lasted up to the present.

So for the past 8+ months, though we've always felt a struggle financially, we've been suffocating.  It was like every time we almost got up for air, we got 1 glorious second to gasp it in and then we were fighting again.  We tried to adopt a new posture through it, not one of "help us out here God!" but "help us praise you now!"  That was so difficult.  But we learned that what money we have is not ours anyway.  What God has given us is his already.  It made the situation easier to swallow because I felt not attacked by God, but like he was suffering through right beside us.

But let me tell you on a shallow level, it's been hard.  Pinterest, for example.  Not having any extra money definitely made me feel a desire to craft and repurpose.  But I always needed something: a glue gun, mod podge, scrapbook paper,  buttons, fabric.  This was during the time that I was going through the house and old coats and pockets to see what I could add to our change jar so I could go get dinner.  (Remember, that's not me manipulating you, it's just the facts.)  Going into the gas station with $4 in quarters to get some gas, stuff like that.

BUT... Our power was never shut off, neither was our water (though both came close).  Our mortgage was being paid.  We were eating.  It may have been the poor man's meals, but we were eating.  God was using people and miracles on a daily basis to provide us with what we needed to make it through that day...just that one.  Never days in advance.  One day at a time.  We would go to bed uncertain of what the next day would hold, and when we got up, we were scared, but simultaneously comforted by the fact that in one hand God held us, and in his other he sifted through what he would allow us to face.

(If you're currently thinking, Honey, this is why you hate spending money, yes.  You're right.  That's a big part of it.  But I couldn't hint to it in that post now, could I?) :)

So back to the bonus.  Mark had been working on it, trying to request that at the very least, we not be forced to pay back the bonus he'd already received, even if it meant the other half would still be gone forever.  We had people working for us, trying the best that they could to accommodate these requests.  But we were told that there was a lot of paperwork going through the hands of the men who would be deciding these matters, so we shouldn't expect to hear anything about the status of it until September 2012.

Fast forward to this past Friday.  If you're still with me, hang tight.  This is the part where my praise hands go up in the air.  We had been able to budget a small amount for family and people whose names we had drawn for Christmas.  But we didn't have the money til Friday.  Hence the reason I had to do all the shopping blitz-style.  Mark offered to take Roscoe from me during his lunch so that I could get some things accomplished faster and with ease (isn't my man great?).  On the way back to pick up Roscoe, I called the bank account to see if there was enough money in there for me to get lunch.  I really didn't want to dip into the Christmas money for that, but I was hungry.  As my brain interpreted the numbers, what I heard the automated voice on the other end say was "Your available balance is 'not enough for you to get lunch'"  I was dejectedly taking the phone away from my ear when I heard the voice continue "a direct deposit of..." (imagine my eyes growing in confusion when I heard this) "a direct deposit of 'more money than your brain can register at this moment' will be deposited on Wednesday, December 28th."

I about wrecked.  I was 4 minutes away from picking up Roscoe from Mark, and I was pretty sure I had just heard that pretend person (who had mocked me time and time again) tell me in an indirect, but very vivid way, that Mark's bonus was going to be deposited in our account.  Let me tell you, that was the longest 4 minute ride of my life.  I felt as if every pore in my body was exuding excitement so quickly that I was going to explode like a volcano.  But I was driving so I knew I couldn't do that.  And I had to wait til I could see Mark's reaction face-to-face.  I arrived and held the phone up to Mark's ear.  He started to pull away (as if to say, "don't remind me what our balance is"), but I started doing a happy dance and held up a finger so he knew to keep listening.  His eyes repeatedly went through cyles of confusion, wonder, excitement, disbelief, and relief.  We both stood there and kissed and hugged (and kissed and hugged Roscoe, who had no clue what was going on).  Once I came back down to the earth for long enough to realize I still had Christmas shopping to do, I peeled myself away from Mark and sent him happily back into work.

So, this morning, we paid every bill.  Including paying off our credit card.  Just writing that makes me tear up.  All along the way, God's been taking care of us.  Sometimes I kept the thermostat set a bit lower than normal and bundled up me and Roscoe just to try to make a difference.  Sometimes we ate ramen for meals multiple nights in a row.  Sometimes I was driving on an empty gas tank not certain how much further I could go.  But through it all, as tough as it was, God's had us.

I'm not saying that we'll never again encounter financial struggles.  It could very well be that this will be a constant struggle all our lives.  If that's the case, we just hope to be able to say that in good times and bad, we had our hands up in praise to the one who orchestrated every bit of it.