a glance into one of our struggles

At the beginning of the month, I referenced a tough time we've been going through in this post.  Honestly, I never imagined that I'd be able to post details about it so soon.  But for the time being, that trial is over, so I'd like to fill you in and give praise to God for all of it--the good and bad.

There may be a moment or two as you're reading where you will begin to feel sorry for us, but please realize that's not my goal.  If I were wanting to manipulate you and tug on your heartstrings, I would write books, not an "about my life" blog.

It's hard to say exactly when our financial difficulties started.  Maybe back when we got married.  There has yet to be a time in our 3+ years of marriage that we weren't wondering how we would pay the next bill.  Even through the times that we both had jobs (Mark had 2...technically 3), it just never seemed to be enough, despite our best efforts.

That difficulty hit a new level a month or 2 after Roscoe was born.  Mark was owed the 2nd half of his enlistment bonus, and we received word that the paperwork had been submitted and the bonus was on its way--we should see in within the next week.  So, given that word, we put his 4runner in the shop for some much needed work.  Knowing we'd have the money within the week, we charged it (this was our first credit card purchase.  We hadn't owned one before this because we didn't want to get caught up in debt.  But once we had a baby, we figured it'd be smart to have one for the emergency fallback).

Mark received an email shortly after that telling him that the status of his bonus was on hold because it needed to be reviewed.  If you remember, way back in January when I started this blog, Mark was in PA reclassing for the sake of his unit.  (Here's a post to jog your memory.)  He agreed to do that as long as it didn't mess up his bonus.  Well, sparing a lot of details, it did mess up his bonus.  So much so that in the span of 3 days, we went from expecting the other half of his bonus within a week to not only not receiving it, but also having to pay back the other half he'd received years ago.  They were saying his reclassing was a "breech of contract."  I don't feel it necessary to give the amount on the internet, but let's just say it was enough to make me want to carve out my own cave in the mountains and hide forever.

At the same time, we hit a spell of reduced income that we thought might only last a month or two.  Well, it's lasted up to the present.

So for the past 8+ months, though we've always felt a struggle financially, we've been suffocating.  It was like every time we almost got up for air, we got 1 glorious second to gasp it in and then we were fighting again.  We tried to adopt a new posture through it, not one of "help us out here God!" but "help us praise you now!"  That was so difficult.  But we learned that what money we have is not ours anyway.  What God has given us is his already.  It made the situation easier to swallow because I felt not attacked by God, but like he was suffering through right beside us.

But let me tell you on a shallow level, it's been hard.  Pinterest, for example.  Not having any extra money definitely made me feel a desire to craft and repurpose.  But I always needed something: a glue gun, mod podge, scrapbook paper,  buttons, fabric.  This was during the time that I was going through the house and old coats and pockets to see what I could add to our change jar so I could go get dinner.  (Remember, that's not me manipulating you, it's just the facts.)  Going into the gas station with $4 in quarters to get some gas, stuff like that.

BUT... Our power was never shut off, neither was our water (though both came close).  Our mortgage was being paid.  We were eating.  It may have been the poor man's meals, but we were eating.  God was using people and miracles on a daily basis to provide us with what we needed to make it through that day...just that one.  Never days in advance.  One day at a time.  We would go to bed uncertain of what the next day would hold, and when we got up, we were scared, but simultaneously comforted by the fact that in one hand God held us, and in his other he sifted through what he would allow us to face.

(If you're currently thinking, Honey, this is why you hate spending money, yes.  You're right.  That's a big part of it.  But I couldn't hint to it in that post now, could I?) :)

So back to the bonus.  Mark had been working on it, trying to request that at the very least, we not be forced to pay back the bonus he'd already received, even if it meant the other half would still be gone forever.  We had people working for us, trying the best that they could to accommodate these requests.  But we were told that there was a lot of paperwork going through the hands of the men who would be deciding these matters, so we shouldn't expect to hear anything about the status of it until September 2012.

Fast forward to this past Friday.  If you're still with me, hang tight.  This is the part where my praise hands go up in the air.  We had been able to budget a small amount for family and people whose names we had drawn for Christmas.  But we didn't have the money til Friday.  Hence the reason I had to do all the shopping blitz-style.  Mark offered to take Roscoe from me during his lunch so that I could get some things accomplished faster and with ease (isn't my man great?).  On the way back to pick up Roscoe, I called the bank account to see if there was enough money in there for me to get lunch.  I really didn't want to dip into the Christmas money for that, but I was hungry.  As my brain interpreted the numbers, what I heard the automated voice on the other end say was "Your available balance is 'not enough for you to get lunch'"  I was dejectedly taking the phone away from my ear when I heard the voice continue "a direct deposit of..." (imagine my eyes growing in confusion when I heard this) "a direct deposit of 'more money than your brain can register at this moment' will be deposited on Wednesday, December 28th."

I about wrecked.  I was 4 minutes away from picking up Roscoe from Mark, and I was pretty sure I had just heard that pretend person (who had mocked me time and time again) tell me in an indirect, but very vivid way, that Mark's bonus was going to be deposited in our account.  Let me tell you, that was the longest 4 minute ride of my life.  I felt as if every pore in my body was exuding excitement so quickly that I was going to explode like a volcano.  But I was driving so I knew I couldn't do that.  And I had to wait til I could see Mark's reaction face-to-face.  I arrived and held the phone up to Mark's ear.  He started to pull away (as if to say, "don't remind me what our balance is"), but I started doing a happy dance and held up a finger so he knew to keep listening.  His eyes repeatedly went through cyles of confusion, wonder, excitement, disbelief, and relief.  We both stood there and kissed and hugged (and kissed and hugged Roscoe, who had no clue what was going on).  Once I came back down to the earth for long enough to realize I still had Christmas shopping to do, I peeled myself away from Mark and sent him happily back into work.

So, this morning, we paid every bill.  Including paying off our credit card.  Just writing that makes me tear up.  All along the way, God's been taking care of us.  Sometimes I kept the thermostat set a bit lower than normal and bundled up me and Roscoe just to try to make a difference.  Sometimes we ate ramen for meals multiple nights in a row.  Sometimes I was driving on an empty gas tank not certain how much further I could go.  But through it all, as tough as it was, God's had us.

I'm not saying that we'll never again encounter financial struggles.  It could very well be that this will be a constant struggle all our lives.  If that's the case, we just hope to be able to say that in good times and bad, we had our hands up in praise to the one who orchestrated every bit of it.

This Christmas

The past few days have been absolutely crazy.  I'm sure that's applicable for everyone.  But for whatever reason, this Christmas season seemed way busier than any I remember.

I'm so sad that I don't have any pictures for show from this weekend (I've GOT to get some more batteries for the camera).  We were able to spend some good time on Christmas eve with Mark's family here at our house.  They came over in the afternoon and stayed for dinner and a fire.  Christmas day was hectic.  I spent all morning in the kitchen cooking a few dishes and then we hung out with friends for the day... til 2 am.  Finally, last night we spent the evening with my family for dinner and a gift exchange.  It was definitely an on-the-go kind of Christmas.

That was kind of weird for me, because I'm used to Christmas day (and typically the days surrounding it) being completely relaxing.  But it was still so good to see family and friends.

On a slightly different note, Mark and I have been thinking a lot lately about the heart behind the giving.  I love giving gifts, all through the year.  There is a part of me that hates the commercialism of Christmas, but since I love buying and wrapping and giving gifts, there's another part of me that LOVES Christmas.  (Mark is a scrooge, and he admits to this.  Every year he says "Christmas is cancelled."  You can go ahead and feel sorry for Roscoe.)  But I hate the "obligatory" feeling when someone gets you something and you feel you must buy in return, putting hours into searching for something for someone only to find out they didn't like what you got them, being scrutinized by someone as they anxiously watch you open a present, etc.  It all just seems like a bunch of unnecessary pressure.  If I buy you a gift, don't feel like you must give one in return.  And if I receive a gift, I am going to be grateful for your thoughtfulness regardless of whether I liked it.  And as I open a present from you, please don't worry or feel the need to give disclaimers in case I don't like it (although I fully understand that angst, I'm still working on this one).

Maybe those feelings come from remembering Christmases that were pretty slim.  Because there were times I got phone calls from friends who wanted to tell me about the more than a dozen gifts they got, when each of my brothers and I had gotten 2 or 3 (which, even then, I knew was more than many people get).  "Oh, but I didn't get this, which is what I really wanted."  I would be so mad at those kind of statements.  My mom and dad had put everything they could into Christmas (and still do).  Some years it was more than others, some years less.

As far back as I can remember, my family had practiced what we call "circes" (pronounced sir-sees).  It's the seeing-a-gift-so-and-so-would-love-while-you're-not-even-looking-for-anything-for-them thing.  Sometimes it even happens while you're at the grocery store.  Those are great.  Out of the blue and not expected.  It's the best surprise.

Mark and I are wondering about how possible it would be to try a "no-gift" Christmas one year.  Where you spend time with family and friends without the pressure of the gifts.  (No, I'm not saying we're never going to buy Roscoe Christmas presents.)  Or, as my mom suggested, use the money you would spend on each other and compile it to adopt a family who won't be getting anything.

Hmmm.... I wish I could read what you're thinking right now.

do i have to spend it?

This one's for the stay at home mommies out there, or the stay at home daddies, or the stay at home person, or in general anyone who considers him/herself a dependent, vegging off someone else's income.

I HATE spending money.  I've always been somewhat frugal and cautious with my spending (except when I was growing up and I got a $5 allowance every Saturday--which I immediately spent on coke and candy at the gas station on the way to visit grandmommy and granddaddy).  But I've noticed a severe hatred of spending money that has developed.  I don't know when it developed.  It just did.  And money?  I hate spending it.  (Did you catch that?)  Even on necessary things, like, oh say..... gas and food.  You know, things you have to have.  I've even caught myself rationing out toiletries because I refused to have to go buy more (contact solution, shampoo, etc) too soon.

Well, today I spent more than I have in the past 2 months combined (don't get alarmed, that's really not that much).  There was Christmas shopping on multiple levels: gifts, food for get-togethers, uh....ok, maybe only 2 levels.  Mark had given me a certain amount last night for this reason.  And I used it.  Because it's money.  And you spend money.  But after I got home from the grocery store tonight I was somewhat depressed at the amount I had spent.

I confessed to Mark my severe hatred of money-spending and asked if maybe it was a fault of mine.  I don't hoard.  If it needs to be spent, spend.  I got that.  But not wanting to spend money on groceries?  That's wrong, isn't it?  Or....

He very quickly responded "It's because you're not working." 



*cricket*



*crickets*




*chirp, chirp*




Wow.  That was easy.  I mean, it makes complete sense once I think about it.  I'm living off someone else's income.  If that isn't the whole reason I hate spending, it's at least got to be part of it.  Ever since I started working in high school, I didn't stop until after Roscoe got here.  Working and earning money was just part of life, part of pulling my own load.

Has this been a struggle for any other moms?  What did you do to get over it? (Or did you?  Oh, please, please tell me you did.)

on the move--nothing is safe

As I write this, I'm watching Roscoe crawl all over the room/house.  It's absolutely insane how time can pass so quickly when you're not paying close attention to it.  It really doesn't feel like that long ago that I could put him in the swing while I tried to get stuff done.  Now, if I'm working hard at household duties wasting time on the internet, I must be sure to keep an eye and ear out for where the little man is.  Because his current 2 most favorite things to do are crawl into the kitchen to chew on the edge of Sherman's food dish (eww!), or into the office to splash in the dogs' water dish (double eww!).

The "King" there looks deceiving.  No, we don't prefer to put our son in onesies and such that say "I call the shots" or "boss" or anything along the lines of "even though I'm a baby I rule everything in this house."  (I hate those outfits)  But "king of cuddles" with a cute little crown-wearing frog prince?  Bring it.

(His hands have always been big.  But here they look massive.)  He loves chewing on everything.  E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  It's kinda cute right now, though, because he's just got those 2 bottom teeth, so he doesn't cause damage to anything.  No teeth marks...yet.  You just hear "thud, thud, thud" or "clank, clank, clank" or "ding, ding, ding" depending on what he's chewing.

I'd love to know what he's thinking as he crawls around the house.  Hearing him say "ah!" "aaa!" in various tones and levels of excitement always makes me smile.  I can't NOT smile.  But it's got me on a new level of alertness.  I knew this day would come--the day where I couldn't just set him down and go about what I was doing.  If he doesn't like where I put him, he fixes it (which can be nice, but can be terrible).  So now I'm learning to find my balance of efficiency and responsibility.

I'm just wondering, though--how did our little bitty baby transition so quickly into this "becoming a toddler" phase?

picture catch-up

  It's been a while, and I promised some pictures, and a video.


I babysat Eliot a little over a month ago and this is what happened on the car ride home.  One of those "Doh!!!!" moments when you look back and see both of them asleep.



Thankfully I managed to get them both in and down for naps without too much of a disturbance (a feat I was quite proud of).  By the way, I love how Roscoe holds on to his carseat like that.



This is rare.  Normally Roscoe is frightened by dad (why?!), but Thanksgiving morning dad got some good cuddles.



(I think it had something to do with the fact that dad gave him cheerios that morning.)



The Thanksgiving Day feast.  Look at that plate.  Roscoe ate all of that, except for the green beans in the center (for which he doesn't yet have the appropriate teeth).

 

Although he looks wide awake, this is his sleepy sign.  He grabs his blankie and holds it up to his face to cover his eyes, then he pulls it down and looks at you.  I LOVE this about him.  Possibly my favorite Roscoe-ism at the moment.

 

Our big boy, how we usually find him when we go into his room to get him up from naps

And the promised video:



popping in

I told my mom yesterday while we were hanging out that I haven't made a blog post lately because I've had nothing to write about, but that's not true.  I do have things I could say, but I know that if I did, it'd come out as "poor me, waaa waa waaaah," so I've just opted out of the blogging thing for the time being.  Suffice it to say that for the past 6+ months, Mark and I have been going through a trial that's testing the daylights out of us.  (Did I make up that phrase?)  It's a take-it-one-day-at-a-time sort of thing, and God always give just the right amount of grace needed each day to make it through, but that doesn't mean it's easy.  There've been plenty of times that we've both reached the "can this be over yet?" or "new test please!" limit, but apparently God's not ready to allow us to move on.  So we wait, trying to practice patience and trust and obedience.

Curious?

Maybe when it's over (if it ever ends) I can fill in more details, but for now, I don't feel that's relevant.

On the Roscoe front, we have:
~ crawling, army style.  He doesn't too much prefer hands and knees
~ pulling up onto EVERYTHING.  When I get him up from naps he's waiting for me standing in the corner of the crib (video to come soon)
~ owner of 2 bottom teeth
~ loves to eat
~ weighs about 21 pounds.  Not sure of the height because I haven't measured him in a while
~ still taking 2 naps a day.  he wakes up around 7, on a good day 8, and goes down for a nap at 10.  That's the best time of the day, seeing that he normally sleeps til noon.  Then he takes another around 2.  Once he's up from that he's done napping for the day.
~ he's a handful from 5 pm until bedtime at 8...every day.  If you ever think of me, do so after 5.  Usually Mark isn't home yet and those last 3 hours are the most taxing on me.

In general, he's growing up so fast.  I can't believe he'll be 10 months old in a couple weeks.  I'm sitting in the living room right now, looking over at the spot where he was born.  It seems like just yesterday that I was laboring hard, overly eager to meet him, and now we're quickly approaching his 1st birthday.  It's just surreal.

I do hope that everyone is doing well.  Please forgive me for the lack of updates, I'll try to get better.  Even if it's just about Roscoe.  Love to all!