planning stages for homebirth

I know that sometimes i come across harshly.  I tend to be very cynical and uncompassionate in many areas.  But it has never been my goal with my choice in homebirth to make any woman feel inferior if homebirth or midwives were not her choice in childbearing.  Labor and delivery is just a small part of the experience in having children.  It's not everything.  And whether a baby is born in a birthing pool with no drugs, or by cesarean section, it makes no difference in the baby's beauty or the miracle of life.

We are now a little over a month away from our baby's due date and that has me researching even more than before and planning what methods to use in facilitating as peaceful a homebirth as is possible.  I'm very excited about going through labor in the comfort of our own home.  Our bed.  Our lighting.  Our privacy.  As of right now the plan is to have a birthing pool in the living room (I told my midwives at our last appointment that if I believed in reincarnation, I'd consider myself a dolphin in a former life).  I also have an exercise ball that we can use to ease the pain of contractions and help the baby move down.

But I'm currently struggling with trying to balance the desire to have this baby any time now with the fact that I can't want that.  I need Mark here.  I've been very relaxed the whole pregnancy and perfectly ok with the thought of baby coming early, but the military threw a wrench in that one with sending Mark away for some training.  Yes, he would make it home in time if I went into labor.  But that's not the way we want it to happen.  If he comes home early, it just means he has to go back to finish the schooling.  So we need and want him to stay put.  But it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to keep myself from mentally "letting go" of the will to keep the baby in as long as possible (as if I'm in control of that anyway).  This little guy is getting heavy.  And he's now in the correct position for birth.  And it just feels like if everything were normal, I'd be willing him to come any time in the next few weeks. 

To those who are curious and asking that wretched question But what if he doesn't make it back in time and you're in labor?... Shame on you for making me acknowledge that question in writing.  But I have an answer.  My mom is Mark's stand-in.  If I were to go into labor, Mark would be immediately contacted and probably driving back home before he realized he was actually driving back home, and my mom would come to my house and be my coach until he got here.

So that's the plan.  And we don't know what will happen, but we rest in the fact that God does.  We're trying not to place our hope in our own plans and desires, but in the fact that what God already has planned--whatever that may be-- is best.  So now we wait and see.

2 more things. 

My last appointment (Friday morning), Elizabeth pointed out to me the position of little Roscoe.  I can locate his butt and back, and sometimes if I press on my belly just right, I can feel little bumps clustered together, making up elbows and knees and fists and such.  He hasn't moved from that position yet.  Last night I was lying in bed and he started moving around and stretching out.  I placed my hand on the side of my belly and something pushed against it and backed away.  Then he did it again.  But as I pushed against him, he pushed against me and kept that body part pressed against my hand.  I'm not calling myself an expert, but my mommy imagination likes to think that it was his hand pushed against mine and we sat there like that not budging for about 10 seconds.  I broke out in the biggest smile.  I can't believe that in a little over a month I will be able to hold his little hand in mine.

And to finish, a video I found this morning that made me cry.  Something about this is just beautiful.  Maybe it's the song, maybe it's her peacefulness in a homebirth of a 10 lb baby.  Or it could be the fact that I'm close to experiencing what she's going through.  Whatever it is, if you tear up you're in good company.