the new year always brings a little sadness, part 2

So I feel like this whole situation is a little anti-climatic.

In part 1, I wrote of various instances that Mark was "taken away from me" around the turn of the new year.  We were prepared for him to be gone from the first of February until the end of March.  That's 2 months, folks.  And Roscoe's birthday is stuck right in the middle of that first month.  The question was "party without Mark or really late party with Mark?"

About the time we decided to just have the party on time without Mark (insert: I have such a sweet husband.  Even though he would have loved to be there, he knew the party would be a bright spot for me in an otherwise dark season of our life), we involuntarily began riding on the craziest of emotional roller coasters regarding his trip.  Looking back, I honestly can't remember the number of times his status changed from "going" to "not going" to "going a little bit" to "ok for real it's on" to "just kidding" to "has your wife divorced you yet from all this insanity?"

(That last part's a joke.  Except for the fact that people really do get divorces over this stuff in the military.)

So....we decided to hold off for the time being on the little man's first birthday party.  He doesn't know the difference.  And until we knew for sure what was going on with this supposed-to-be-2-month-long-trip.

So Mark left February 1st and we didn't really know where he was going or for how long.  He came home a few days later "until further notice," and then left again.  But this time around the 3rd day he was gone, he was given options.  He could work for the first part of his orders (until Feb 21) and get paid for that, come back immediately and not get paid, or work the entirety of the original orders (end of March), but be stuck in WV instead of the original really cool country he was going to.

So he opted for option 1.  He came home on the 21st.  Ok, actually that's a lie.  He surprised us by coming home on the 17th and we kept it a secret until the 21st.  Roscoe and I had him all to ourselves for 5 days.  It was like a vacation, only in the comfort of our home.  It was beautiful.

So anti-climatic.  Yeah.  See, he was supposed to be sleeping on a cot in a tent for 2 months and our communication was going to be slim-to-none except for emails.  And he was going to be involved in a really cool training exercise with other armies.  And it was going to be an awesome experience for him.

But there was some pretty severe and dangerous political instability where he was headed and the powers-that-be decided that it wasn't worth risking the lives of their men for training.

And I don't want to speak for all military wives when I say this, but for me, there's almost a feeling of guilt over the situation.  I was prepared for a separation from my husband for a period of time.  And it doesn't mean that I wanted him gone, but once I psych myself up for it, then it's time to do it.

But then came the roller coaster.  And we just went with it.  The changes.  Certainty.  Uncertainty.  It's just so much easier if you roll with it and don't fight it.  If you waste all your energy and emotion on the roller coaster, you're not going to have any left to deal with the final decision.  Poor analogy, I know, but it best describes how it felt when we were in it.

But that feeling of guilt comes in when I think about the fact that he's supposed to be gone now--serving--and he's here with me.  He's home.  He's been home for a couple weeks.  And compared to what we had prepared ourselves for, it's like he never left.  And it kind of makes me feel like we cheated the system somehow.

So the new year always brings a little sadness, but this year, it was a little different.  Glad it's over.