Friday, February 21, 2014

To Roscoe,

Roscoe, there is nothing about you that isn't strong willed or passionate or determined. And sometimes (even though you are just a three-year-old), that is just the recipe for a brokenhearted mama. I want so desperately to point you to Christ, but I feel like every day I am a failure. 

Today was by far the worst day I've ever had dealing with your tantrums. Your dad is on a trip right now. He's been gone for 5 days and we still have a little over 2 days until he comes home. I'm definitely feeling the weight of his presence missing here in this house.  (Why and how does it affect you so much?)

Your tantrums, incessant whining, and fits have been going on consistently (meaning daily, or every other day at minimum) for over a year now, and I'm so ready for them to end. On one hand, I know that I will look back and miss the day that you were so small. But, on the other hand, I want so desperately for you to be past this phase of determined defiance and anger. 

I haven't written much of anything in this journal for the last year because honestly, I didn't know what to write. This past year of your life has been such a hard time for both me and your dad. But I'm confident that if God can get your heart, He can channel your passions and intensity for Him. But if you don't choose to follow Him, these traits of yours will destroy you. 

I love you, Roscoe. I pray you know this. I pray that despite my shortcomings as a mom, as a human, that you know my deep and undying love for you, my boy, the one I longed for and dreamed of years before you were given to me. 

It hurts to see your face contort in anger directed at me (typically when you aren't getting your way), but when I see you do that, it's like looking at a reflection of myself. Oh, how often do I do that to God, Roscoe? You frustrate the hell out of me and push me to the end of my rope and point me to Christ all at the same time. You are my grace gift from The Father. 

I am both eager and anxious to watch you grow up. I can only return you to the hands of God and pray that he pursues you long and hard enough for you to come to Him. You have no other hope but this. 

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